


When Will This World Be Beautiful

by Daaishi



Category: Hello! Project, Morning Musume.
Genre: Angst, F/F, Songfic, Suicide, Toki wo Koe Sora wo Koe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-09
Updated: 2015-11-09
Packaged: 2018-04-30 20:53:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5179259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daaishi/pseuds/Daaishi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Riho dealing (or, rather, not dealing) with Ayumi's suicide.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When Will This World Be Beautiful

**Author's Note:**

> Please don't read if mentions of suicide trigger you.

_Stars_.

They always remind you of her eyes. The way her smile made her eyes glow in the darkest of times, just like the stars illuminate the night sky.

 _What kind of face do you sing with?_  
_What kind of voice do you laugh with?_

You clench your fist over your heart and squeeze your eyes shut tight. You can’t cry, she wouldn’t wish it for you. You know she would want you to be happy, to forget her, but you can’t.

You smile. It’s a sad smile, and you know it, but it’s been a while since you last smiled. Since her death, you were unable to be happy. You cried whenever the thought of her eyes, her face, her soft skin, her goofy laugh crossed your mind, and you still do, but it is actually starting to dawn on you that you will never see her again, that her presence will never be beside you, and you're starting to accept it, slowly. It hurts  lot, but maybe a little less now.

“Ayumi…”

The sound of your voice fades out into a sob not long after you speak. It’s weird to hear your voice again, it’s like you haven’t spoken at all since she died, which, of course, you have. She was your girlfriend, after all. You had to hold a speech at her funeral, that ended in sobs and tears, even though you expected it to be relieving, finally getting all of your feelings for her off your chest.

It’s like you can still hear her whispering your name.

_The wind's monologue, she loves you..._

That was the last thing she said to you.

 _"I love you, Riho. Don't forget me, but forgive me."_ it echoes in your mind, even though it happened months ago.

“If you really loved me, why did you jump!?” you yell and throw your pillow at the wall, letting it drop to the floor, next to all the other things you threw and didn’t bother to pick up in the aftermath.

You yearn for her touch, her midnight butterfly kisses, her gloomy voice when she’d tell you good night and her raspy voice when she'd greet you good morning. You miss it all so much, losing her was and still is so painful.

_I wonder if we'll meet in the next world, it's all so painful..._

You close your eyes. You imagine her touching your arm, kissing your cheek and hugging you. You feel her whole presence beside you, but she will never actually be there.

You laugh pathetically. “I’m actually going insane, nice one. Didn’t expect that.”

You haven’t gone to her room since she killed herself, because in her room, there was the window she jumped from, even though you pleaded for her not to. You cried and cried, but she still leapt over the ledge, five floors from the ground, onto solid concrete. You think about going into her room, but stop when your fingers brush against the doorknob. It feels like you’re invading her privacy, even though she won’t be returning to her room soon enough, or ever again. You frustratingly kick the door, but not hard enough for it to open. You sit down with your back to the door and feel tears sting your eyes again.

_It’s okay to be frustrated and cry._

So you cry. You let it all out, once again. Will this world ever be beautiful again, without her in this world, without her smile to light up the day, without her lips to playfully kiss yours in the morning, without your midday or midnight dancing to no music sessions?

As invading as it might be, you eventually decide to enter her room. You slowly open the door, and it hasn’t been open in so long that it creaks loudly as you walk past it. You close it again, as if afraid that someone might come in and take all of her things from you. You see a paper on a desk, which you don’t remember having been there. You take it in your hands and see her rushed handwriting, yet still neat. You start reading it.

_“I guess this is my suicide note. If you’re reading this, you’re probably special to me (or, well, I’m special enough to you to recognise my bad handwriting). Please bear with me, if you think I’m worth at least this._

_I’m sorry._

_I’m sorry mum, I’m sorry dad. I’m sorry I was never the perfect daughter you thought I would be, with my sparkling grades in primary school. You wanted me to be a lawyer or a doctor, but all I grew up to be was a big bag of disappointment with, arguably, a dash of musical talent._

_I’m sorry brother, you looked up to me so much and all I was to you was a bad role model. I hope you can forgive me now, for all the years I've treated you like dirt when it should've been the other way around._

_I’m sorry to all my friends, whom I have never been there for, always dealing with my own problems instead of helping you out, ever. I've always been a bad friend, and I truly apologise for that, from the bottom of my soul. I wish I had been there for you more, whenever you were going through something, instead of locking myself in or somehow always making everything about myself._   
_And, finally, Riho. My words fade in comparison to yours. You always find beautiful ways to express even your deepest frustrations. I've always envied you for that. The ability to convey anything into words, making it melodic, just like everything you say and every move you make. I noticed your little quirks quite a lot, and they're all so endearing. The way you tilt your head when you're confused and put one finger to your temple, the satisfied face you make, full with puffy cheeks, when you eat something delicious, the way every piece of your body fit perfectly with mine, the way your lips were always slightly parted when we kissed. I noticed them all, even more. I need you to forgive me the most. I've been the worst excuse for a girlfriend, and I don't know how we lasted with me like this, honestly. Don't forget me, please. Remember never to date anyone like me again. I knew I was going to break your heart, in a way, sooner or later, so I chose sooner. I hope you can forgive me._

_I'm truly sorry to all the people who have ever met me. I hope you all lead a better life without me, since you deserve so much better than a girl who wasn't good at anything, academically or vocationally._

_Much love, Ishida Ayumi, daughter, sister, friend and girlfriend."_

Tears sting your eyes again as you read on. She didn't know what she meant to you, now it's too late. What a bad excuse for a girlfriend you were.

_You're so precious to me, you're so precious to me, I feel your nobility_   
_I close my eyes and I feel you_

You look at the window. Under it, her shoes lay, dusty, but still very much like her. You put your hands on the ledge and look outside into the busy street. On the pavement, there is no longer any trace that her bloody body was ever there. It's all faded, unlike all of your memories. She will forever be in your mind.

Your mind starts wandering as the cold wind hits your face. You wonder if you would ever see her again.

Maybe if I died too...

You shake your head. You don't believe in heavens or hells, you never have and you never will. It's all just invented to manipulate others. But if there really was any kind of afterlife, she would be there, right? So why are you so afraid?

You take a piece of paper and start writing messily.

"I just wanted to be with her. The world would be too painful without her. I'm sorry."

It's not much compared to what she wrote, but you can't stop your hands from shaking, so you put the pen down and go back to the window sill.

_You get hurt by love, there's lots of ups and downs_   
_It's okay if you quickly come here; running away is something everyone can do._

You choose to run away from everything. From this world, from your memories, from your friends and family. You put your feet on the ledge and you lift yourself up. You can hear yourself screaming at her not to jump, but the abyss is calling for you, and you know that this is how she felt too. You smile one last time and you let everything go.

_Across time and space, the days that tie us together_   
_I wonder if they'll make this Earth beautiful..._

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Feedback is appreciated!


End file.
